The spider monkey: 01 de junio de 2015
I’m thinking about how he breathes out of his mouth when he’s relaxed. How when there’s wifi he disappears into his phone. How his long legs and arms and sometimes-slouch give him the exotic look of a spider monkey, ambling about, nimble and quick and devilish.
I made all that up, I don’t know anything about spider monkeys.
I want to be him because his body is perfect and animal and toned and lanky and languid and prepared. But no, instead I have that jiggly, soft, woman’s body that everyone stares at.
I’m thinking about another boy who makes me feel nervous. I don’t want things to feel contrived or superficial, but he rushes things and it makes it feel that way for me. I’ve gotten way more comfortable talking with him, and my Spanish has improved rapidly since I started reading El último grumete de la Baquedano.
But I get so weird when he starts hugging me from behind, or trying to get me to stroke his face with his head in my lap. It feels too intimate too fast, and I feel so closed! I don’t like feeling closed, but it doesn’t go away. I feel tense and like I have to put up a wall without even wanting or intending to. It has to be a subconscious thing. Thinking about doing sexual things with him makes my insides squirm. I don’t know why it’s so easy for me to be intimate with Raúl, or with the spider monkey.
He showed me a park today that I’ve never been to, and we sat against a tree on the top of a hill, looking out at a blurry, pink-orange, sunset sky. He told me he once cried over a woman’s love in the exact same spot we were sitting, and all I could think was that I’ve never felt love, in love. I’ve felt very attached to people, but never like I couldn’t live without someone, or that I only wanted to be with him. I can’t imagine what that feels like! I wonder if I’ll ever feel it. I wonder if I don’t let myself feel it, but maybe it’s something that one doesn’t have a say in.
I think the closest I’ve felt to love, sexual love, is with Raúl.
THERE’S NO WRONG WAY.