No sé quién soy en este idioma: 04 de diciembre de 2014
No sé qué está pasando. No sé quién soy en este idioma, pero la puedo sentir, la otra…..
Now feels so good because I’m on the patio atrás with this book of inspiration (written by yours truly!) and a gray magic blather of fuzz with a red collar and a bell, two of her genetic splatterings sucking the life force from her belly as she licks their heads. I can feel them exchanging energy as I transfer my own fixed creation into written words, my own onda orbing and bulging, orbiting around me, always; like a mixed bunch of balloon planets circling forever around a foreign sun. What results is always a bit interesting psychologically…
My head feels clogged and my nose stuffy, but the black tea I’ve made sits welcomingly at my side, a pulpy blob of teabag floating at the top, and a fresh buzz of breeze strides in from the hot sun at the other end of the bike-stricken patio. I feel languid and heavy with paraguayan toxicity, but my mind is alive and gurgling, ideas melting into rivers of color and perception, waves and light, words in two languages, songs from the 90’s, how the high makes me feel different every time.
How I can’t think of anything other than the way my mind works, how I’m a product of my culture and to escape that bind is both terrifying and extremely pleasurable.
I’m watching the kittens now, I can see them exploring their environment with their senses, refining those senses in a new, physical world. I feel I am the same, but instead of sensing physical stimuli with those five sensitive receptors, my mind is morphing outward into the infinite sixth sense, implode then explode, inhale then exhale, everything shifting as one, into one, but all separate parts. In this way I’m becoming wiser.
With the LSD we took for the third time a couple days ago – you can feel that beingness of ONE, and as yourself a distinct energy in the universe, always bouncing off of other people’s personalities, shivering and quivering. Mine darkens at the arrival of Raúl’s mom, which I sense as her voice, loud and quaking and piercing the air with closed-mindedness. I huddle on the patio like a trapped animal, cornered into madness, waiting for the worst. I’m trying to conquer this reaction.
Ah, I have so much to tell, in a weird way. Nothing is very different here, but I feel so vastly different. Energy bubbles at the surface and I daydream of the future, of Córdoba, of meeting inspirational people and being able to ask questions and give honest answers. I feel so real!
I feel that I was trapped here, in Chile, as well as in my mind without Zoloft (which I stopped taking when I was in the finca in Mendoza and started taking again recently), but now my mind is opening again and I’m feeling calmer, wiser, kinder. Soon I will be let out of my cage into a city of good vibes, and physical and mental states may be one.
Maybe I’ll find a sort of equilibrium in Córdoba and never want to leave. I feel so excited by the fact I have no idea what will happen to me up ahead, in less than a week I’ll have changed my life completely. Now I can have a fresh start. Now I can begin anew.
I remember Sofía at the hostel in Montevideo saying, “Maybe a Latin man gives you freedom, makes you feel free! You’ll never know unless you try.” It was a half-question, with a wise little half-smile attached to the end, raised eyebrows and twinkly brown eyes. Sofía was a fox, one of the most beautiful people to me. I’d love to have her face.
But I was thinking about that the other day, and I realized that I’ve felt the most sexy, or womanly, or sensual with Raúl than with anyone else I’ve ever been with. Maybe because he is so manly-man and very cariñoso. I think in a way I feel very free with him, in that way, in being feminine, in being “rica.” I’m always struggling with the concept of physical beauty, of what people find attractive and how it’s all subjective, but so much of the time only to a certain point.
There does seem to be a definable difference between beautiful and ugly, it can’t be completely subjective. I’ve never found myself attractive, wholly, fully. Only sometimes in pictures if the lighting is right. Everyone here is always telling me I’m beautiful, and I want to believe it. I want to walk as if I have the perfect frame, the perfect face, and I try to do this all the time.
So our third LSD trip. We went to San Francisco, dos kilómetros afuera de la ciudad en un oasis en miniatura. A river and lots of trees and rocks. Once again, a weird strong high and the feeling of being an animal with instincts so strong that I could feel my alma bouncing off of the instincts of other animals: the hungry perra, the male dogs lurking in the background, the birds twittering and flickering in the branches.
Raúl and I always try to follow each other, indecisive about where to go and what to do, waiting for the other to choose. I want him to lead but I want to decide where we go. A backseat driver, I am. I need to say, “Follow me, this way,” but then I also realized I like to stay in one spot, look at everything very closely without moving. Feel it fully. I realized I need to take more initiative and not worry about what others will say or think, if they will protest or dislike my decision.
This time didn’t feel nearly as emotional, nearly as crazy. I felt we’d die of thirst and hunger, we’d overheat, our hearts would fail. I looked into Raúl’s eyes and saw little speckles of color in particular patterns, his pupils dilating in the altering light, tiny hairs bristling from his eyebrows, his upper lip, curls above the ears making tiny sideburns.
I felt the only reason we as women have male companions is for protection from other males, and to reproduce. It felt animal, boring, unfair, underlined with ulterior physical motives. I decided to refrain from ruminating on the subject.
I wanted to play in the water and he wanted to lie on the bufanda in the shadows. Him a bear in a dark cave, hibernating and conserving energy. And me, what? A fish, a water bird? Jonathan Seagull? Just another ridiculous, confused human on drugs, again?