Self-absorbed abstractions: 01 de septiembre de 2013
I kept wanting to completely let go and conquer that self-consciousness, but I couldn’t. It was a physical thing, attached and palpable and squishy and I couldn’t get rid of it. I don’t have that with Kaia, like I do with him, and I’m so glad I have her. She helps me see the truth.
He and I get high to the point where he will not shut up. I don’t say anything and he just blabbers on and on and on and I don’t care what he’s saying anymore; I pray for silence and that we could just sit quietly in each other’s presence, but his mind is crammed full and everything is pushing outward, like when you try to pack too much into a suitcase, or clean your room by putting everything in your closet and then trying to close the doors. It’s too much and I can’t handle it. I felt like a printer that is jammed, trying to process info but it’s coming too fast and I can’t print it in time; it all gets crumpled and ruined.
I just want someone to understand, and a man will never understand, simply because his penis gets in the way. It’s biological, it cannot happen because of fundamental differences in chemistry and biology. I feel so much and what I feel changes in response to the most subtle changes in the environment and people. He can’t sense how I am feeling and respond to it appropriately, when it’s so easy for me to do.
It’s so obvious. It’s body language, it’s facial twitches, it gives it all away. I can tell how everyone feels because it’s loud and right there, and he is clueless and I hate that. It’s psychology and he’ll never know. He is not perceptive in the way I once thought he was. He seems perceptive but it’s all warped and distorted and not actually what is happening or how people are. He says things that are untrue and it has the worst vibes ever.
I can do whatever I want because I have this relaxed confidence. People can see my body generating it like shimmery heat waves, and it seems to scare him because he doesn’t have it, and it’s powerful. His anxiety is all-encompassing, overwhelming. I send vibrations through mind waves, a radio satellite poet moving smoothly through the universe. The world is a stage and am I the only one free from having to act? Confidence creates power, freedom, courage. Can you feel it?
I will always be alone, I will, forever. Good thing I’m in love with myself.