I feel so magic: 13 de diciembre de 2014
I feel so new, I feel so magic, so feather-like floaty hair and pixelated pinpointed pulseras, colours in every texture. Ink on skin, plastic camera whimsical vibrations, a ring on every finger, long nails, eating a bulbous, shiny apple, reds fading into orange tones painted with watercolours on heavy white paper. Cocaine after 2am, nothing good happens after 2am.
There’s something liberating in the way my mind pumps this idea through my body and ends as the black ink chicken scratch neatly aligned on paper in tiny cubes. Wow, I can’t help but take a deep breath and hold it for a bit. I have never before in my life felt so comfortable with who I am, my ideas, my subconscious mentality of introvertedness leaking through every pore…I feel equilibrium, I feel so here and now.
Ariadna interrupted me while I was writing – a friend of Ximena – and I felt so jolted, so not ready to have anyone interpret my facial expressions, which I feel almost unable to control. Every twitch of every muscle gives everything away, but thankfully most people are not so subtle. They talk too loud and my emotions spiral away into the atmosphere, unread and unnoticed, so I pick up this pen and figure it out on my own. I think, “Holy shit! Such high levels of analytical thought I’ve come to!”
I think Ariadna is really artistic and really friendly. Everything she says feels so positive. I think I am scared of her because I’m scared of girls in general and don’t know what to say to them, especially in Spanish, but also because I think I would really like to be her friend. I think I could look up to a person like that, in the way that she could help me to be better in the ways I want to be better.
And that way is that she has this ridiculously alluring vibe, I can’t get it out of my head, it’s like I want to be able to express my own positivity in that way, like fuerte, like Buddha, like buena fucking onda! And I’ve always thought, I need to have a lesbian relationship, because that’s totally fucked up in a good way, and I know I’d learn a shit ton about myself that is lurking under the surface that I probably never want to know.
But I don’t think I’m attracted to girls, I don’t think I want to have sex with Ariadna, it’s like I’d rather be so sexy in my own way, and she could help me pull it out from under the rug of my subconscious, subjective, filtered, fucked up mind.
And now I’m thinking, I have to make a blog of this. I have to tell everyone, I have to be so open.
A girl walks up to me, offers me macrame that she’s made and is selling (it’s what I’ve decided to do, the French couchsurfer at our house también, it’s such a good idea for pocket money) and I feel so negative declining, but I didn’t want one haha. But I felt obligated because in Córdoba there’s this physical pull of energy in your chest, calling you to treat everyone like your friend.
Why wouldn’t you do this? Why wouldn’t you buy a cheap bracelet to support a local artist? There’s no reason not to, it doesn’t make any sense. I think Córdoba is the first city I’ve ever been to that I’ve felt really welcome in, really comfortable, really willing to share my ideas because other people actually want to know them. They want to listen, they are interested, they realize that there’s no right and wrong in the world of energy, of positives and negatives. You only have to find your own equilibrium, your own preferred mentality, your most productive truth.
Nah, estoy volada. Naaahhh.
Yesterday I talked to the people at the hostel at the new house. It’s huge, like high ceilings and 3 floors. There will be 30-something beds, and I will get my own room, or only have to share it with one or two other people. They don’t have everything planned out yet, with respect to scheduling, because they’re still in the process of moving everything and installing everything. I think in about a week they are supposed to have everything ready, and I’m thinking I will move in around that time.
The house is very close to Ximena’s apartment, so yesterday at 7pm I walked there to meet the staff, who were soooo incredibly relaxed, casual, and really organized. They gave me a packet of rules of the hostel and information, and I love that because it makes me feel so official, like I’m part of this new project. I’ve always wanted that! I feel like I have just arrived and all these good things are happening one after another. It’s the universe just gifting me things I’ve asked for, and I’m really happy about it.
Last night I was really excited about the hostel job, so I bought cocaine from a transgender prostitute for 20 bucks, who told me to put it in my bra because the police can’t look there. Raúl and I and Ximena’s roommate snorted a couple lines with my two dollar bill, and then Raúl and I walked around the city all night, wetting a finger and dipping it into the white powder.
For me it wasn’t anything worth buying again. Yeah, if someone has it, sweet, but it’s totally a waste of money. It’s too subtle for me, only a purr of alertness when before you thought you were tired. I prefer the jerky soul-twists of my favorite green substance, something that brings an obvious, creative insanity, rather than this dull white powder that seems to barely have an effect unless you consume more than I feel is healthy. It’s like, why snort cocaine when you can drink coffee, which has a flavor infinitely more agreeable?
I think I’m so inside my own head it’s ridiculous. I have to write, I get so clogged up mentally and the stream of words can only flow outward with the use of a pen. This stream is so cathartic, so personal, so energetic, that for me it is unnecessary to force it upon others, which in my mind is “talking too much.” My preferred mode of communication is through writing, where you can be specific and edit rather than eat your words.
Right now the others are playing metegol, and I’m here in the background, la gata rubia, siempre sola, in another world, like always. I don’t know if I feel disconnected in this way. I think the others think I am disconnected, but I don’t really care what they think. I have never before been so in love with myself.