Cocaína y LSD: 14 de diciembre de 2014

Last night we snorted cocaine, drank only un poquito, and later took a fourth of a tab of LSD, un trip, before going to Belle Epoche, an electronic bar. It was hours of pure insanity, your soul wrenched in every direction, energy magnified and wrung tightly and then let to breathe but inhaling too much, losing control.

The DJ up at the top was a god filling me with energy the universe produced, and I couldn’t stop my body. I danced and thrashed and explored the dance floor and the complex personality vibes of every person, of every group of people. I lost my glasses; later Ximena told me I threw them into the crowd.

I felt like the whole night I was doing an interpretive dance to express my most genuine, intensified, crazy energy, to show that I wanted my glasses and a glass of water, not noticing that my shoes were gone. I danced with so many people, our worlds colliding, our personalities adapting without talking, it was a language of body movement and emotions as explosions of positive and negative energy.

Now there are 10 people in this tiny apartment, including me. We’re listening to techno music with the lights off. Only a muffled blue lamp and the warm light of the bathroom with the door cracked. I sit under this light in the corner now, reflecting on the madness, something that must be done in order to learn from the experience.

For me there was so much positive energy from everyone, so much emotion that was totally valid, and we all channeled that emotion, let it go by dancing, sweating, eyes blurring with sweat and I had no glasses, crawling around on the floor, dancing sexy with black guys, grabbing people’s faces and bringing them to mine.

A guy in the center had a gas mask on and I reached for his head, this strange animal with huge eyes, an insect bouncing and jumping under neon lights, the music filling me up as I left him and ballerina-leaped to the other side, searching for another world I’d like to explore.

The farther from the center I went, the worse the vibe became. People lurking in corners, men meeting your eye with a glimmer of hunger and lust. I strayed from the center but the vibe pushed me back, I couldn’t interact with anything but the music.

My whole body hurts from dancing for so long, from falling to the floor, the people snatching me up and throwing me back into the crowd. I felt that my physical reaction to the emotion the music created in me caused a very significant reaction in other people. Every emotion controls every action.

I knew I was truly mad, and I didn’t care. I danced as if I would die in the finale. I gave it my all. I was a sage in an ancient world, a god controlling the energy of the universe, igniting emotions and reactions, burning efficiently. A power different from other gods, but just as strong.

Now I feel my pen working to the beat of the electronic music. We are buzzing with a bit of cerveza and porro and dim lights, the music subtly filling us up until we are as buoyant as ducks, the air our water, our feathers lost in evolution’s past, my head reeling from the cigarette smoke of other people.

Then I danced alone. I closed my eyes and raised my arms and jumped, feeling everything so warped, so different, so exaggerated, but so real. I knew I was a lotus flower lost in time, self-sufficient, my arms flowing, my hips swaying. I felt so in love with so many people. The boy in the center with a tank top and a tight mask; he had skinny, muscular arms, tanned and smooth, the way I’d want to be if I were a boy. I wanted to be him but I knew I already was, is, am.

The boy with the gas mask. I remember searching for someone that’d also taken un trip, to see how our vibes could react. I felt I would know when I saw him, I felt I’d be able to read his energy and vice versa, the most important thing. I did that with everyone – read their energies. I could feel confidence or insecurity streaming past me, depending on the person. I took it inside me and let it out in my own way. It was a sixth sense.

It was the most intense, fucked up thing I’ve ever done. Like the first trip, but a billion times more extreme, more insane. So fast, so magic, so other-worldly. Of another dimension, another way to be.

I feel so….almost alienated in a way, because I feel so full of energy, so in need of a release, so ready to purge, so confident that with my energy I can have my way, control other people with benevolence and curiosity. I can dance sexy without needing anyone, without making out with anyone, without going home with someone or having sex with someone in the bathroom, which may or may not have happened in the past, in other countries where I lost and found myself again.

I feel like so many people don’t understand any of that, the need to channel energy in the way that feels appropriate at the time. It’s always subjective, it’s always a phase. I have to know myself in the ways I feel will help me to be more aware. I have to let the universe guide my actions. I have to interact with everything to understand my own aura, my own light, my own equilibrium. I have to test the limits to understand my own psychology, there’s no other way.

I couldn’t stop that night. I felt so tired sometimes, but everywhere I went the people followed, caught in my vibe like a fly in a spider’s web, without my intention. I am such a magnet in this way, there are streamers piling from the top of my head, invisible smoke that intoxicates anyone nearby, attracts them, pulls them in until I push them away because I have to be alone to feel myself fully.

Then I felt, I’m too tired, I can’t do this anymore, I will sit down now. I gave up dancing, gave in to exhaustion, and the lights came on, the music stopped, the colors and shapes in the mist disappeared, and I felt I had done it. I had control, I told them everything was over with my mind and they had all obeyed. I felt like a performer, like no one could match me, but I found people that could and I danced with them and felt so free.