I got super high because it was my birthday: 15 de enero de 2014

So last night I got super high because it was my birthday and I was bored just waiting around for the asado and no one was doing anything, and it made everything so fucking confusing! One of the young guys staying in the hostel from Chile, actually the one I thought was really attractive, was totally hitting on me, but I couldn’t talk because I was so high, and he couldn’t hear anything I was saying.

It was kind of hilarious but also uncomfortable and I just wanted him to go away. When I get high I get jittery, and I talk rapidly and jittery, and that is the worst combo when trying to talk with someone not fluent in English.

I was trying to tell him that the song he put on had too many vibes attached to it, that it reminded me of things in the past, and he didn’t get it! I am unsure if I was just incoherent because of the high, or if he was just super dumb. I hope it was the latter. I felt uncomfortable because I was behind the bar and he was at the bar with the iPod, but lingering and trying to talk to me.

Also, there’s this guy here that gives me the strangest vibes. Like a lot of the time it feels like he is my older brother, but then other times it seems like he’s flirting with me and I’m just like, what? What is happening? And he was standing there listening to me being awkward (as an older brother? as yet another suitor?) and I just didn’t know what to do with myself.

There were no people last night, either, like there were at Freddy’s birthday party. I wasn’t expecting it to be a huge party or anything, but I felt like other people thought I was expecting that and felt bad for me because it wasn’t. So the vibes were warped, because they probably didn’t even think that! Just weird assumptions about everything, circling assumptions that get inside themselves, twisting into new forms.

I couldn’t sit still, I felt like every move I made was so pronounced and exaggerated to other people. I couldn’t relax, find a comfortable position. I was unsure how to orient my body in space. Just uncomfortable in my own body, never a good feeling.

Sofía sat across from me at the table and smoked a cigarette, leaning back in her chair, elbow propped on the back of another. Short, wavy hair tousled, big eyes heavy-lidded. She passed around a joint and I realized that the way she moves in the world is an inspiration to me. I’d like to morph into those exact vibes as I grow older. I’d like to be tough, languid in an elegant way, in control of self but not to any extreme. I feel I’m more this way now than I used to be.