Everyone thinks I understand everything: 22 de noviembre de 2014

I think I’m at the point in learning Spanish where everyone thinks I understand everything.

Twitchy, distracted, unfocused, breathing hard, absorbing everything. I could feel all my thoughts, all physical movements as positive or negative energy, all shifting and morphing into each other like a yin yang, like sound waves, always changing.

It was pure intensity as energy moved through me and I filtered it in my unique satellite mind, a tool to experience the universe, to sense everything and feel its energy fully, like a plant feeling the sun and bristling with pleasure. It was intense because all your senses were stronger, more receptive.

All natural stimuli, like the trees moving in the wind, just filled me up with helium air and I began to dance alone, una bailarina en el desierto, fully clothed in theatre dress, arms like sunflowers probing the air, shifting towards the sun. I could see that I had control, I could accept everything because I realized that nothing is forever, it all changes in the end into its opposite, and this great peace and tranquility set in every time I could remember that.

I fell in love with Raúl, I knew I needed him, I knew he always protected me, and I know he needed me, too. And the desire to touch him was too strong to bear. Literally. It felt animal, the desire to go away with him into deserty hills. He felt more boyish and pensive and in his own world, but also more willing to share with me that world of receptivity and emotional perspectives.

There is more than one Ana. They are all Ana.

In my eyes, I danced with my mind and my body followed. I felt I had no control, I felt like I was a bridge between two dimensions, two different perceptions of reality. I felt like an energy channel, emotions pumping through me, each one close to the breaking point, to the tip-top of the wave or the very bottom. I felt the universe, and all its energy, holding me, forcing me to react strongly to every stimulus that my senses could perceive.

But then I realized I could control it. I figured out how to ride the wave in a way, do something fun and enjoy the madness. I told Raúl and he understood, for once in his fucking life he understood my abstractness. We were abstract to the point of madness but we played with each other’s energy and it was fantastic psychological and spiritual magic. An incredible vibration.

The thing about controlling it was that you would forget you could control it, over and over, but every time you realized that by just relaxing and being in the moment, everything would change to a good vibe and positive energy, without so much effort. That is control for me. Not letting it take you down a dark path of fear, anxiety, and discontent. You really have to learn how to ride it. Zoloft helps me ride that wave because I feel more stabilized and with an equilibrium.

Raúl told me I acted like a real crazy person, like mental hospital status, like talking to myself, dancing alone, screaming in English, etc., etc. I felt like a sage.