Who cares? 19 March 2012
THINGS: Who cares? About anything? How do you care? Futility. How are we to survive? How can I conquer my own irrationality? Slight changes in my mind – hopelessness/despair, then excitement for the future; feelings of doom and that bad…
Where are you? 22 February 2012
Things: I can’t love anyone. I can’t enjoy physicality, all I want is to not touch anyone, to sleep alone, to sit in the shower and be silent and feel the warmth mixing with my own mind and my secret…
I started Zoloft again: 12 de noviembre de 2014
I feel like a sage, a master of “letting things be.” I started Zoloft again three days ago and it’s been making me feel like vomiting, just vaguely, under-the-surface-enough so that I don’t actually do it. It also gives me…
Hablando con mi misma: 31 de agosto de 2015
Estoy hablando con mi misma, como la mayoría de las veces que estoy hablando (de algo que pienso importante). Fumé la resina de mi pipa que había tenido escondida por casi dos años en un libro con el medio sacado,…
Compré 40 pesos de ese paraguayo rico del artesano sucio: 04 de junio de 2015
Compré 40 pesos de ese paraguayo rico del artesano sucio, y fumé taaaanto en el lugar secreto mientras leía un libro gigante llena de las aventuras de Marco Polo. Cuando bajé la escalera y entré en el comedor, me preguntó,…
The way he walks: 12 de mayo de 2015
We walked around the city last night after smoking paraguayo, which still had an earthy, thick smell of real marihuana, and the whole time all I could think about was the way he walks and what it says about his…
Everyone is serious: 08 de abril de 2015
Everyone is serious, models on a catwalk terrified of tripping. My eyes are so dry it’s hard to make calm, consistent eye contact, and I stutter and trip over my words, squinty-eyed with contact lenses and a nervous smile. Antes…
My birthday, just another day: 15 de enero de 2015
Been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, and I know I could just not feel like that, but easier said than done. Yesterday was my birthday, just another day. I went to the public hospital super early to see about getting…
A past lover made me so abstract: 18 de mayo de 2013
INDECISION GRIPS ME IT DOES It has tied me down, I am frozen, immobile. I will defeat you, I will write you into oblivion, I will figure you out, I will sift through the insanity and find what’s real. It…
“Psicodelianarkocorrida” by Xuan Pablo Gonzalez: 18 de junio de 2015
Vino tinto, we sit at a tiny round dinner table talking. I write, sip, read excerpts from a book called “Psicodelianarkocorrida” by Xuan Pablo Gonzalez. I tune out, drift back in, pay attention to what’s being said. I rarely say…