Who cares? 19 March 2012
THINGS: Who cares? About anything? How do you care? Futility. How are we to survive? How can I conquer my own irrationality? Slight changes in my mind – hopelessness/despair, then excitement for the future; feelings of doom and that bad…
Where are you? 22 February 2012
Things: I can’t love anyone. I can’t enjoy physicality, all I want is to not touch anyone, to sleep alone, to sit in the shower and be silent and feel the warmth mixing with my own mind and my secret…
dim lamplight and a darkening sky: 12 January 2012
Cheese, hand warmers, eye contact and shy smiles, vibrant hair, perceptions of beauty, eye makeup, television shows, a thick luster, jewelry, running, feeling so good after running, shopping for birthday gifts, getting mail, not feeling anxious for a really long…
to banksy: 13 February 2012
TO BANKSY: I want everything that’s in your mind, I need a revolution, I need something secret and important to give me a purpose, to show me life means something more than surviving. I want it to be mine and…
the constant stability of sanity: 24 November 2011
I want immortality, perfection, permanence, security, the constant stability of sanity, to keep everything remembered forever, never forgotten…but truly I don’t want any of these things. I’ll get bored and feel trapped, I’m contradicting myself, fucking up the harmony or…
Good vibrations: 10 November 2011
Good vibrations: black-tipped nails, sweatshirts over dresses, almost finishing a book and starting another, secret uninhabited parts of London that aren’t touristy, cloudy gray mornings with coffee and thick socks and braided hair and alone, wearing the same clothes over…
THINGS: 28 October 2011
THINGS: walking for hours under a hooded sky, upon damp cobblestones, learning, adapting, doubt, nervousness, always finding something to worry about, beautiful histories not my own, desire, satisfaction, wandering, appearances as deceptive, memories, the future as impossible to perceive, snacking,…
Is anything better than anything else?: 25 October 2011
The ultimate question I freak out about is: Is anything better than anything else? My “things”: locations, religions, types of people, fame and lack of fame, to be alone or with others.
I wonder if you are the clockmaker: 24 October 2011
I need this journal. I need my own words breathless and sparked and nonsensical and hurtful and published and worrisome and anxious and the death urges. My anemic emotional handwriting that may not be my own, alone. No right, no…
I started Zoloft again: 12 de noviembre de 2014
I feel like a sage, a master of “letting things be.” I started Zoloft again three days ago and it’s been making me feel like vomiting, just vaguely, under-the-surface-enough so that I don’t actually do it. It also gives me…