Inhaling roughly that black cancer air: 29 de abril de 2014
Inhaling roughly that black cancer air, the world twitching and swirly for a few seconds after. Insatiable need for brain changes that never come, for the feeling of risk and chance and what could occur when the opportunities are taken, snatched from the void by a decisive mind.
Letting the lines sag instead of tauten, no hablo inglés, no hablo español, no hablo nada. Finding someone to imitate, to follow, to learn from, to ask questions. Big letters, messy scrawl, having nothing to say, having something to say but being drowned out by everything else. Pensamientos breathing in and out, tiny bubble lungs bursting everywhere with nowhere to go, with nothing to achieve.
The people I look up to consistently manage to leave me behind in the muggy land of what I wanted to occur and didn’t.
Cigarettes should be longer. Chain smoking, inspiration that never comes, the fear of being touched by the wrong people, the aggressive, rushed people. Perhaps not having my own secrets so I keep everyone else’s; it’s the best way of knowing everything and escaping the drama.
No filter, the immature mind of a teenage boy, the morning’s gray empty chill replaced by afternoon sun. Dead leaves, dead eyes, stagnant mind. I need my catharsis, I need help with the unraveling, the ash changes color depending on which papers you use.
“But why?” Don’t you know you’re not asking the right questions? Don’t you know there are better questions to ask?
I won’t believe it’s dead until I find the body. I won’t believe you’re dead until I find your melting remains, your collapsed lungs, your sunken fragile frame, burning into oblivion, ash soaking my skin, sparks sizzling into my own tired tears.
Scratching until I feel wet blood on my fingertips, a fascination with the grotesque, what could be, what won’t be, childish fantasies scorched by the sun, weeping from infected sores. My body a burden, yours another world with a strange atmosphere I can’t breathe.
I want your poetry, I want to know what you know, I want to follow you around and observe how your actions differ from mine.