Break up with Eli: June 04, 2007

June 04, 2007

Ok today I took my math and Newspaper finals, and I got an 85 on my math one so I got an 87% in that class which is pretty good I guess. Then on the science final I took last Friday I got an 86 or something and I still have to take the EOC in that class, so I hope I can pull off an A because I still have a 91. But tomorrow I have science and Spanish and hopefully I’ll do well.

After school today I hung out with Karly and we went to the mall and downtown. Oh and we got applications to TCBY and Baskin Robins and I’m going to apply to Fred Meyer online. Right now I’m talking to Eli. Oh and I mowed the lawn today too.

OH MY GOD. I just broke up with Eli.* I told him I needed a break, that I was confused about everything, life. I told him that I didn’t know what love was, that I’m sorry. He said, can you take me home?, and I said yes. And now I feel like I’ve made a mistake. We sat in silence for awhile, I cried. He didn’t say anything when I took him home. I told him I was sorry and he just walked away. I told him I didn’t think I was making the right decision, because he is perfect, and he only asked if I’d take him home. FUCK! I am such an idiot. There are tears in my eyes right now. He is my best friend, I don’t know what to do. Did I just throw real love out the window? Because sometimes, no, most times I didn’t even want to kiss him. Or is that only lack of lust? He was amazing. He is amazing. Probably the nicest person in the world, and I threw him out. I am such a terrible person. Is this what I really want? I’m not like everyone else. I don’t love. I don’t need someone else to complete me. I’m not stuffing my face with chocolate to calm myself, because I’m different. I told him that I still wanted to hang out, and he said, “That’s fine.” I think I’m going insane.

[*Biwheel chart with Ana’s chart follows.]

It’s raining, it was raining when I told him. We went to the bank and to Walmart. It rained and we listened to Red Hot Chili Peppers. It was sad. I feel like I’ve lost a friend, that I’ll never see him again. But he is my best friend. I loved going on that bike ride, hanging out, going downtown. We talked about real things, real people.

What is the difference between love and friendship? Is there a difference? There has to be. Can’t girls be friends with guys without having to be in love? Of course. I have tons of guy friends. None that I hang out with, besides Eli. I’m so confused, worried, sad. I really don’t know what to do. He said he saw it coming, it wasn’t hard to tell, that he’d prepared himself. Maybe I’m just immature, I don’t like kissing. Prude? I don’t think so, I just think it’s gross. And it’s not fair to him to have a girlfriend who won’t kiss him. And then I just think, what’s the point? There is no point in kissing.

I think maybe I’m not the type to have a boyfriend. I like to be alone, I was never dying to hang out with him or all over him ever – GROSS! And I just like doing things on my own. But I just feel so bad, like I’ve ruined his life, and I dunno if I can handle that. I have a heavy weight on my conscience right now, but I also feel kind of free, like I don’t need to feel guilty every time I see a picture of Johnny Depp. But I dunno, I just feel terrible. Great way to start the summer, right?

But just having a boyfriend for that long made me really need a break, I couldn’t handle it. I needed to be single, because there are many pressures with a boyfriend that I didn’t like. And he wanted to hang out all the time, and I just really missed the days I had being alone and relaxed. Yeah I know that was stupid to say, but it’s true. And he was my first boyfriend. I have never had another, and I’m not good at being in a relationship. I often neglect him, or just do something else that I end up feeling really bad about and it sucks to have a heavy conscience all the time. I just hope he still wants to be friends, because I do.

I feel better now, getting all that out. And tomorrow I get a new diary – a documentation of the summer. The rest of my life. Tomorrow will be better I know because I already feel better. I’m going to create the new me. This is the hard part: finishing. There has to be an end to everything, otherwise change would never occur. Change is good, and I realized that today.

[I set the chart for 16:00 because I don’t know what time it happened. It was after school, which I believe was a half-day, and after school she hung out with Karly. So a 16:00 chart is probably more accurate than a noon chart. It may have been in the evening though, so I dunno.

I think what’s most interesting about the chart is that Venus at the end of Cancer has just passed a conjunction to Ana’s SN, thus activating the core axis of her chart. Plus the Moon was activating the same axis, conjoining Ana’s Sun-Saturn-NN and opposing transiting Venus. Profection lord Mercury closely opposes Ana’s Moon and applies to trine/sextile the nodal axis. Mars is in her 3rd house of communication and applies to a trine with Saturn in her 7th of intimate relationships, which is still on her DC, meaning that Mars also applies to sextile her AC. Mars sextiles Chiron by degree as well. Both malefics hitting her AC-DC axis is pretty intense, but also nothing this crazy happened when Mars was conjunct her AC and opposing Saturn on her DC (mid to late March 2007). I guess that’s around the time she talks about wanting to leave Central FC, but she didn’t actually leave at that time.

Also, the Sun rules her 7th and, oh I see, it’s sextile both Mars and Saturn (Saturn’s a bit wide) from in between them in Gemini, widely conjunct her IC. Interesting. It’s also trine Chiron and applying to square Uranus. And it’s opposing Jupiter retrograde, but I don’t know how that relates.

I think at this point what I’m very curious about astrologically is what timing techniques other than transits speak to the intensity of this moment and other intense moments? Because this moment is very intense, Ana’s very first break up ever. Is something bigger and deeper occurring that I cannot see? It feels like something is missing and I don’t know what it is because I’m an amateur. Or maybe it’s just the combination of all these transits occurring at the same time. What do you think?]