Drama with Candy revealed: October 06, 2007

October 06, 2007

Saturday. Almost an entire week since I last wrote. So many things have happened to me. First of all, we only had a 3-day week last week, so that was fresh!

And this weekend I slept over at Lisbet’s and dyed my hair purple. We went to Hot Topic to get the dye and we (Lisbet, Josie, me) saw the cutest bra ever! Well I guess just me and Josie but whatever. And I saw these black gloves with a bow and they were fingerless and leather/plasticky and they were cute, but I didn’t get them. I ended up having to dye it twice because they barely gave me enough.

We had a game Wednesday against XXX and lost 2-0. We also played today against XXX and lost 4-0. It sucked but I played alright I guess. Next we will play XXX. I don’t have much homework which is great. I’m going to start drawing on my pants but I’m not very good at drawing so I dunno. I don’t want to screw them up. I really like Mos Def!!! Ok that’s all for now I guess.

I’m finally icing. I’ve put it all off for the longest time and I’m finally doing it. I wrote LOVE in big letters on my pants and also some Mos Def lyrics, they look sweet. I was feeling really nervous/doubtful about them for awhile, I don’t know why because they weren’t looking bad.

I miss Eli. I hate Candy. She wrote on her about me on MySpace that you can’t be her friend if you can’t have a decent conversation without talking about other people. So Lisbet wrote, “Did you honestly just write that when you talk shit about people all the time?” Or something along those lines…And Candy said, “I just meant that my friends can’t be fake so when I talk shit about people I don’t keep it a fuckin’ secret that I don’t like them.” And here are the things I want to say to her:*

[*Finally we have arrived to this moment. Biwheel chart with Ana’s chart follows.]

1) You are fake, because do you remember that one time when you and me were best friends so you decided to talk shit about me behind my back to, and flirt with, the guy I happened to really like? Oh and then right after that you’d tell me you didn’t like him. Even though five minutes before that you were telling him that you wanted to get action from him and be his first kiss and that you loved him? If that’s not fake I don’t know what is. I’d never do that to my friend even if I wanted everyone to love me. Even if I was so incredibly unsure of myself that I have to suck up to everyone to get them to like me.

2) You are a manipulating suck-up. You try so hard to get everyone to like you, to be popular, to be sexy, and everyone falls for it. I think you’re a fucking bitch and I wish you’d die. No, I take it back. I wish you’d live a long, hard, insufferable, depressive life.

3) One of the reasons I hate you is that you take advantage of your stupid pretty face to manipulate everyone to like you, because that is what high school is all about: being popular. You’re pretty on the outside, but on the inside you are nothing. You have no soul. And I don’t know why I’m even wasting my time writing about how much I hate you, because you’re not worth it.

4) I really wonder why you do things you do. I’m so curious. I wish I could read your mind, because then I’d know if you do things to be popular or just because you’re an idiot. I think it’s a combination of both. There are so many things I want to say to you, and I just feel like I can’t explain them. The above is basically it but I could always rewrite it to look better to explain it more thoroughly. I just hope one day you’ll mature and realize there is more to life than trying so hard to get everyone to like you. END.

P.S. You only hate me because I hate you first.

Here are some things that I enjoy about life. Things I think are important and essential. Things Candy doesn’t have (in my opinion): trust, friendship, finding one person that you’ll love for the rest of your life, regret, the beautiful stranger that you’ll never know, being misunderstood, being alone, saving your body, honesty, writing down everything, learning something new all the time, reading everything, having an open mind, restraints.

I feel really judgmental. I feel like a hypocrite saying some of these things, but I really don’t care because she is an imbecile. She wronged me in such a way that I’ll never forget it. I get joy out of her suffering. I just feel like I can’t say these things because she could have changed. Doubtful, but it’s a possibility. I’m not around her all the time so I don’t know. But the way she acts around me is basically the same as before. Once a manipulating, BACK-STABBING, hypocritical liar, always one. Ok, now I feel better, but she didn’t deserve any of that.

[So obviously when Ana mentions the guy she really liked, she means Eli. It was Eli who had told her that Candy was saying all this stuff to him behind Ana’s back. I don’t know why Ana never mentioned this until now. What Ana did when all this initially happened was give Candy the silent treatment rather than directly confront her, and the relationship drifted off into an awkward silence. This created a long-term resentment and anger situation for Ana that was continually activated by Candy’s behavior in any situation Ana witnessed.

I’m not sure what transits speak to Ana bringing this up right now. Maybe the Mars-Saturn sextile? Mars and Saturn are slightly closer to activating Ana’s Moon (by opposition and trine, respectively), and Mercury is 2° away from sextiling her Moon, and still within orb of the aspects to Mars and Saturn. Maybe it’s just that the malefics are aspecting her natal Mercury and transiting Mercury, which happens to be profection lord. Venus in Leo is tightly square Ana’s Mars and applying to a conjunction with Saturn, but she’s still 5° away from Saturn. The Moon applies to conjoin Venus. The Sun in Libra trines her Venus-AC in Aquarius. Maybe it’s the fact that the nodal axis is highlighted by Mercury, Saturn, and Mars as well – Mercury by trine/sextile, Saturn being conjunct the SN, and Mars by sextile/trine.

I dunno, what are your thoughts here? This is a notable moment, as Ana has held this resentment for quite awhile and just now finally wrote about it. Is there something under the surface happening here that I don’t see?]