“Funk” and No Life Direction: March 28, 2009

March 28, 2009

Yesterday I went to two appointments – one to get my mouth x-rayed and another for the dermatologist. I hung out with Karly for awhile, we went to the mall – Forever 21 – and later I went to Push with Sawyer and Lacy and a couple of their friends. We drank and I got really drunk and it was funny and fun. We played UNO at Lacy’s for awhile before that, pretty fun.

Weston invited me to Lookbook.nu or something, a cool website about fashion. And I uploaded two pics of me, but in a way it just makes me feel bad because I see all these people with really cool clothes, and really creative photos and photo titles, and I just feel like my stuff isn’t as great as theirs. Like I’m not as creative and witty, and that all theirs are better. It’s really depressing, I hate when I dislike myself. And lately I have felt really fat and it’s bringing me down.

And today we had a soccer game and Mateo told me I need to play myself out of this “funk” I’ve “been in all spring season.”* SHIT! Seriously, this is no good. I know I’ve been playing bad, but I thought it was just a weird phase; now I feel like it’ll never pass and SPU won’t want me anymore. It’s making me so nervous and I’m so worried. I seriously pass the ball to the other team like every time I get it, and I’m SO WORRIED. AAHH!!!

And I have nothing to live for, no passion, no direction in life.* I have no idea what I want to do after college, what kind of job I want. It’s scary and frustrating. The more I think about it the more I feel like I don’t want to do anything, I just want to sit around and read and wear weird outfits and I dunno, be famous or something, be able to skydive and do fun shit. I don’t want to work, I just want to travel and play. Sometimes I want to write. Most of all I want to be a gunslinger. I want to feel things. I want crazy shit to happen to me, I want random phenomena to determine the direction of my life. I want spontaneity to decide who I am and what I do. I want to meet someone with big plans, legitimate plans, someone who’ll take me on adventures. I want to be part of something important, something fantastic, but it should spring upon me when I’m not looking. Like it’ll happen because I was in the exact right place at the exact right time. This is what I hope for but I fear these situations only happen in movies. I’m worried.

[**Triwheel chart follows.]

[Another chart with Ana’s secondary progressions. You can see Saturn and her progressed Moon just separated from the degree-based conjunction. It’s so interesting to me that Uranus is right on her progressed AC, both closely sextile/trine the core axis of her chart. How do you interpret such a thing? Does her mention of “crazy shit,” “random phenomena,” and “spontaneity” speak to this? Maybe if the transit chart was an exact time, the AC or MC would be aspecting Uranus and her progressed AC. We’ll never know.

I think what’s most notable in this chart is the Venus retrograde-Mercury-Sun conjunction in Aries, tightly sextile/trine the nodal axis, which is still within orb of conjoining Ana’s Venus-Jupiter opposition. That triple conjunction is within orb of squaring her Moon, and I wonder if all that speaks to her concerns about soccer and her future in general. How would that tie in with the fact that it’s in her 3rd house? The fact that Sun is profection lord and forming part of this conjunction is important. She’s exploring what she wants in life, and I think it’s notable that she mentions wanting to meet someone with big plans that will take her on adventures, as Sun rules her 7th.

Mateo telling Ana that she’s in a funk is interesting – maybe that’s the triple conjunction? Is he a solar figure, as a coach? How would he be symbolized in Ana’s chart? The 10th house? The MC degree? He’s communicating (Mercury, 3rd house) to Ana an uncomfortable truth about her that forces her to examine her self-worth (Venus), and she has a mini crisis about it. What astrological symbols would represent an uncomfortable truth? Is that also Venus retrograde? Maybe Mars in Pisces sextiling her Moon-Uranus plays into this? Or maybe the uncomfortable truth has to do with Pluto on Ana’s Mercury, as the triple conjunction is within orb of squaring Pluto as well? How would you interpret all this?]