I want to publish my diaries: November 03, 2009

November 03, 2009

Yesterday class stressed me out because we have a 5-page paper due soon on a subject I know nothing about, and just writing this is making me anxious.

And I didn’t hang out with Calvin at all yesterday, and I slept in my own bed last night, and I think that’s good. Real good. Because I’ve been getting way too attached I think. And I’ve started acting differently. Like before school when we were in the apartments, I would do my own thing and be mean to him sometimes and hang out with Drake and Max more, and now I’ve been more clingy, like hanging out all the time and always going over there and texting him without him texting me first. And I don’t know why. I’ve been acting like an annoying girlfriend and I hate that. So I’m severing the ties kind of. Not in a harsh way because he has a car and an apartment and Mario. Ha. And I dunno, he says he wants to be my boyfriend but he won’t wait for me, like I dunno, maybe I will want to be his girlfriend someday, but just not yet, and he confuses me, because at the library he would be like really nice to me and then five seconds later be like well no we aren’t going to do this because you aren’t my girlfriend and you never will be, and just be a huge asshole. And so I was confused, like what does he want me to do? He won’t just slow down and live in the moment. He wants to be my boyfriend now, not later. But I guess I did tell him I never want to be his girlfriend, now that I think about it. And I think this is true. I don’t. So stop worrying and whining. Just let things play out, that is what I will do.

Ok. I have another thing to say. Yesterday at practice we had a team talk about trust. And how we don’t have any, kind of. Like we are not always sure if our teammate will be there on the field for them [sic], at all moments. And I guess what I need to do is quit worrying about myself and my playing time, and just focus on working as hard as I can for my teammates. Just keep running, not for my own benefit, but so I can stop the person that beat AJ, so that her effort wasn’t for nothing. This is what I’m going to try to do.

And all this talk about trust and being more vulnerable with each other made me feel really weird. Because I feel like I can’t trust anyone a lot of the time, and I don’t like being vulnerable with people because of this, and also I am just really fucking bad at communicating my emotions to people, bad at communicating in general.

So, about not being able to trust people, I don’t know why that is. I think it’s only because I know that because people are human, they make mistakes and can hurt you all the time, even if it’s an accident. And also people tell other people secrets that they should have kept, all the time! So this makes me not want to tell anyone anything, ever! And sometimes your best friends treat you like shit, and then when I find someone I really care about I don’t want to give them the opportunity to hurt me, so I don’t want to be vulnerable with them. But that’s the only way to get close to someone.

And also, I hate when people you just meet try to pry into you, like that Matt kid in Ancient and Medieval Worlds. I don’t even like him, I realized this yesterday. I’m pretty sure he’s a player. Like I bet he gets to know a million girls and they think they are special when he does it to everyone. So I don’t trust him one bit.

Also, about my communication issues*…I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with me. Probably partly me not trusting anyone, and partly maybe because I’m shy and I just don’t know how to open up without feeling like a dumbass, or crying.

[*It’s so interesting that Ana brings up her communication issues when Saturn squares Pluto on her Mercury.]

This diary is the sole owner, besides myself, of all the vulnerability and emotion and trust that is a part of me. No one else has delved this deep within me. So you could say I’m my own best friend. And I dunno how I feel about this. I want to publish them I think,* that’d be the ultimate enlightenment, baring your whole fucking soul, throwing it all the fuck away. But I guess it’s kind of depressing, knowing that no one else knows me completely. People just don’t understand, and that sounds so emo, but it’s true, and meeting people is hard, too, because I just keep thinking about how complex I feel, and how fucking long it would take someone to actually know who I am. And that’s hard.

Ok so I feel like if I could get a second opinion on this diary, like when you get a second opinion on a paper and they edit it and tell you what they think in their own words, and tell you how they interpreted it, I might better be able to understand who I am.* Like they could point out things that happen often and be like, “See, you have an eating disorder,” or, “See, you are paranoid and anxious,” or, “See, you are OCD!” But I don’t know if that’ll ever happen. It would be helpful though.

[**Biwheel chart follows.]

OH! I have another thing to say. I don’t like doing things unless I know that it’s absolutely going to work out. I have no faith. It’s so hard for me to believe in something when I don’t know that it for sure will work, and I think this is a problem. I really need to forget about whether things will succeed. I feel like I see things as being the end of the world if I don’t make them work out. I need to realize that I’m a real person and I can make mistakes and fuck things up and do things wrong and I dunno. I just don’t want to be a slacker, or not be genuine about things, or think I’m a certain way and be lying to myself about it and not knowing who I truly am. I need to start acting like I really am to people, and not being insecure about myself (if I am insecure) and be confident. And realize that soccer isn’t my whole life, and neither is school, but they are both important.

Ok. I was texting Sawyer today and I told him he has to come live in Seattle and how awesome would that be! But I dunno if he will, but it would be super! And I was talking to Mila about moving in with her because her roommate is moving out, and I think it’s less than living in dorms with a meal plan. And it would be so awesome to live in apartments instead of dorms, because I could make my own food and get recipes and stuff.

Ok I’m going to go do homework because I’ve been writing all day. Bye.

[This entry is so, like, prescient, in a sense. Ana talks once again about publishing her diaries, which at this point is just a distant pipedream. She talks about wanting that objective perspective of her inner world, and she gets very close to defining what On Being will become. She just doesn’t know that it will have anything to do with astrology as the psychoanalytic tool. I find it fascinating that she states something she wants and in her present moment it feels like just a stupid desire that will never come to pass, it’s just a desperate yearning for some kind of connection she feels she’ll never truly have. But actually it’s a core thing, it’s a core part of who she is, it’s the Sun-Saturn-NN in Capricorn in the 12th, opposite Chiron and SN. Is it not? It’s that meta up-level self-psychoanalysis that knows you before you know it. It’s like the astrology describes what’s happening as it’s happening, and it’s hidden from her, and the moment of her birth is the key to everything about her, but she can’t see it, because it’s all in the 12th house of hidden things.

The transits aren’t vastly different from the previous chart shown. The biggest difference is that the Moon conjoins her Mars and trines/sextiles the core axis of her chart from Taurus. The Moon would have trined her progressed Moon that day at 25° Virgo (not shown). So grand earth trine between her Sun-Saturn-NN, her progressed Moon, and transiting Moon.

The Mercury-Sun conjunction at this point is very tight, sextile her Moon-Uranus-Neptune and square her Venus-Jupiter opposition, with Mars still on her Jupiter. The Sun as profection lord is not aspecting the core axis of her chart, so there’s another example against that theory. I do think it’s interesting that Sun conjoins Mercury in her 10th though, as I feel like On Being is a 10th house thing, or it will be eventually. And that conjunction squares the 10th house lord, which is Mars. I don’t know how Mars being in the 7th would relate to that though. Maybe because she says she wants another person to analyze her diaries as a second opinion? What are your thoughts here?

Venus in Libra squares the core of her chart. The nodes have just left the by-degree conjunction with her Sun-Chiron opposition. How do the symbols of astrology describe Ana’s comments on what will become her life’s work?]