Kissed Calvin: October 09, 2009

October 09, 2009

Today I had school, and it was alright. In Japanese pop culture class we had cadres which is like little groups, and we met in the lounge and made paper cranes and talked, and I feel considerably less stressed about the manga thing, which is good. And in Ancient and Medieval Worlds we watched the most boring movie ever and I kind of talked to this cute-ish kid in my class. Haha it was dumb. And then I went to Kan’s dorm and she helped me text Grayson saying that I didn’t want to let her borrow my clothes because she asked me and I didn’t want her to because she’s insane. And then we had practice which was hard, but it felt good. Today’s Friday and we have the weekend off, it’s so nice! So tomorrow Sierra’s gonna drive me to Uwajimaya which is a Japanese store so I can look at manga.

Yesterday practice was pretty hard but it felt good. And I dunno what I did all day because I didn’t have school…Oh yeah I went to XXX, which is EXACTLY like XXX*, and I got some boxers and two Hello Kitty things (a Tupperware and washcloth) and I stole* two bracelets, one is red dice and Calvin got the same one except his is black, and the other is this really awesome Asian-looking one that says, “We are the hero of our own story,” which felt so true and real to me. And it was like five dollars so I felt really kickass badass stealing it. Calvin drove me there because he wanted to go and I slept over at his house again ha. It was awesome.

[**Not gonna say where Ana stole shit lol.]

And then I slept over again last night after our freshman orientation thing (which was a picture-taking scavenger hunt and then us getting kidnapped and brought to Kerry Park), and I kissed Calvin.* Made out actually, it was fun I guess. Not bad. He doesn’t make me feel creepy like Davis did, so yeah. But I’m embarrassed because I think everyone knows because he has a big mouth and Trevor heard us and I think Mila heard us.

[*Biwheel chart follows.]

But I dunno how I feel, because I like Calvin, and I like kissing and cuddling with him and spending the night, because all those things are fun, but I don’t want to be his girlfriend because I want to be able to do those things with other boys, too, if the situation ever arose! But I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to be a huge slut, I mean I’m not going to have sex with everybody but still I guess kissing everyone isn’t very innocent either. I just feel really shallow maybe, because what if I meet another, cuter guy? And I know that Calvin and I don’t have the same personality, and he’s not someone I want to be with for the rest of my life, you know? Ugh I don’t want to get married anyways.

But I guess I feel like after college I’m going to be an adult and it would be closer to marriage. I’m going to tell people I don’t want to get married. I mean, Sawyer is six years older than me and has a thing with Lacy, and they aren’t getting married! So I shouldn’t worry about it. I just feel like whenever a guy likes me, they like me way too much and want to be with me forever. Like Eli and I would never have broken up if I didn’t end it. And Davis liked me for three fucking years and asked me if I was going to meet someone in college that I’d ditch him for when we were drunk. What the fuck!

And I’m a free spirit and I don’t like to be held down, and I want to be able to do whatever the fuck I want, when I want. I worry way too fucking much, it’s so ridiculous. I just need to slow down and live in this moment and open my eyes to how beautiful Seattle is, and realize that I’m in college and there are nice people and interesting things to learn, and that I’m a real person and I do fucked up things and make mistakes, and bad things happen to me and good things happen to me, and when I get really frustrated I can’t breathe and I cry a little, but not enough for anyone to notice, and I think I’m ugly, but a few people think I’m pretty, and a boy told me I was a good kisser last night when I slept in his bed, and I told him I didn’t know if I wanted him to kiss me and that I confuse myself, but then our lips touched anyways.

I don’t really know how my face looks when I talk to people, and often I look really mad when I’m perfectly fine. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong (so many perspectives) because I love to write, it’s a form of release, but some people think words only confuse. And I want to be really into Buddhism because it seems right, being good to people, being wise, but at the same time I sometimes want to do bad things like steal bracelets from thrift stores and be an asshole to the people around me.

And I’m the only one who understands these things, that’s why people frustrate me and make me angry. But I do realize that other people feel the same and feel misunderstood, and this is when I start to hate myself because I want to know them like I wish people knew me, and be who I wish people would be to me, but I just end up avoiding them. I have social anxiety and certain situations make me really nervous, like shopping in a really crowded grocery store.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t exist because things are so futile and tedious and complicated, and it really sucks sometimes. But other times I know things are magical, like when the sun strikes the trees and the leaves are turning yellow and red. And when the sky gets dark, or how you feel when you hear the rain and listen to it somewhere where you won’t get wet. I can understand how these things are important.

A lot of the time I wish I could be really good at something, and a lot of the time there’s something around me whispering that I’ll do something influential, but it’s just a feeling. Most of the time I can’t decide if I want to be somebody, or if I want to be kept a secret and do random things like give plasma and spend the money on coffee and other things you can’t steal.

I want the swine flu. I want something bad to happen to me, just so I can feel something. I want to know how far I can go. I want someone to put a gun to my head so I can tell them to pull the trigger because I’m not afraid to die. And I don’t want that to be a lie. I want to say things I mean.

I hate those awkward conversations you have with people when you first meet, because there’s nothing to say, and it makes me anxious. I have my strong points and my weak points. I think I’m lazy, but I’m not sure about that. I don’t like to do my homework but I do like to learn. I think I’m smart but I’m not sure about that either. And after writing all this I’m still not sure if I know who I am because how do you define a person?

I dunno if people like me and I dunno if I’d be my friend if I weren’t me. I rarely wear my seatbelt because I feel like if I die it was meant to happen and it’d be a relief anyways. I don’t know if I believe in God, I don’t know my opinion of a lot of things and I say things I don’t mean sometimes and I loathe this. I like to take pictures and make things, and sometimes I think I’m fat. Music is very significant. Björk and Smashing Pumpkins are two of my most favorite because they say things that are real and true to me and I can aspire to be like them.

Sometimes I don’t give a fuck and other times I really, really care.

[I don’t know what time Ana kissed Calvin but it was probably after 22:00. What’s interesting is that there’s a grand air trine between Jupiter retrograde, the Sun, and the Moon, with Jupiter conjunct Ana’s AC and the Sun and Moon tightly trining it. Venus is trine/sextile Ana’s Sun-Chiron opposition. Mars conjoins the SN by degree, both tightly conjoined Ana’s natal SN.

I think this entire entry is super interesting. If Ana wrote it before bed on October 9, the Moon had entered Cancer and opposed Ana’s Mercury with transiting Pluto there. Mercury at that point had just entered Libra and squared her Mercury and transiting Pluto, so it was tightly square the Moon as well. Venus would trine/sextile Ana’s Sun-Chiron by degree, and it would also be conjunct her progressed Moon by degree (not shown).

How does the astrological symbolism speak to such a flowing, stream-of-consciousness entry, which is Ana’s attempt at understanding herself better?]