Self-Perspective Shift: June 21, 2009

June 21, 2009

Father’s Day. Dad liked my mug, and we went to a movie – Terminator Salvation. It was better than I expected it to be. Also today I went to Signets and figured out how I want my hair by looking at magazines. I want it bleached and a bit shorter with a ton of layers on top, layered bangs especially.

Tomorrow I do my first SPU workout – I think I’m going to do it at Bitterroot. It’ll be nice to just do it whenever I get up – whenever I feel like it. I’m nervous for college. And real life. Because I still feel like a little kid sometimes. And I feel immature a lot of the time too, or either more mature than everyone else. It’s weird. It’s making me insane because I feel like I’ve never been a real person before, and now I’m about to, and it’s so fucking weird and difficult. I feel like I won’t be able to do things on my own – like taxes, and dealing with loans and finances and shit like that. I’m just worried.

And another thing – I always try to think about myself like I think about people in the movies, or just people that I think are really cool, like Weston or Therese, and I can’t, because in the movies, or books, or songs, there’s always something to say about those people. Like…[lyrics from “She’s Only 18” ensue] by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. So when I hear this, I feel like this girl is being explained, defined by these lyrics, so I wish that I could hear someone sing about me, say a few lines about me, so I’d know who I am, exactly, and be able to think about myself as being interesting or mysterious, so that I’d like myself, in a sense. That is what goes on in my head. And it’s fucking weird and complicated and one of the reasons I think I’m crazy.

But anyways, one time when Eli, Lisbet, and I were high, I asked Eli to tell me about myself, because I thought it’d make me feel a little less insane (because I feel REALLY insane when I’m high and I hate it), but instead he just changed the subject and started talking to Lisbet, and I felt like such an idiot, it was so weird. Especially because I was high, it was just worse than, I dunno, anything. I just feel like feeling this way about myself, the way I feel towards people in movies and books and songs, is extremely important and I don’t know why.* I feel like real life should be how it is in the movies (obviously not all movies, but a lot of them) and I can’t figure out if it is or isn’t!!!

[*Biwheel chart follows.]

I wish I could be older so that things could happen to me because right now nothing happens. Or does it? I dunno. I feel like I’m going insane thinking about feelings and vibes all the time. And maybe I am a real person who’s bothered by the complexity of existence and the way I am and the way I think. But I dunno. God. I’m leaving to go read so it’ll take my mind off things.

[I find this entry super interesting. I believe Ana has talked about this concept before – the whole wanting to view herself the way she views the protagonists from films or novels. I don’t know if there’s something in her chart specifically that speaks to this desire, and whether the current transits are activating that part of her chart (and if so, how).

What I do find interesting about the transits here is that Mars and Venus are almost exactly conjunct in Taurus, very closely square Ana’s AC, a bit more widely opposing her Pluto, and trine her Neptune. Maybe it is a Neptune thing – wanting to idealize/romanticize how she perceives herself. Neptune is the idealization/romanticizing, but what is the perception of self piece? The AC degree? Venus as ruler of the 9th house of perspective shifts, natally conjunct the AC and by transit activating natal Neptune? The fact that Mars and Venus are activating her AC-Pluto square? Mars and Venus also trine transiting Saturn, ruler of Ana’s AC, which itself also trines her Neptune. So basically there’s a grand earth trine between Saturn, Venus-Mars, and Ana’s Neptune. Maybe that speaks to the recurrence of this idea at this moment? I really have no idea, I need your help. A whole separate case study could be done to analyze the moments Ana mentions this ongoing desire as a theme in her life.

Other notable transits include Mercury conjunct her IC in Gemini, thus opposing her MC, and the Moon having recently passed the conjunction with Mercury and her IC. Also, profection lord Sun has just entered Cancer and is opposing Ana’s Mercury, with Pluto still there.]