Afraid I’ll Never Publish This: September 12, 2011
September 12, 2011
It’s 8:15 a.m. I got up at seven to say goodbye to Grandma and my aunt. They only stayed for one day, I wish they could have stayed for longer. Yesterday we went shopping and my mom bought me five pairs of underwear, two pairs of socks, earrings, and a long sleeve shirt. So legit. She always wants to buy me shit, even when I offer to pay. It’s kind of awesome. I think she just wants to buy me stuff because I’m leaving for forever. Ha. I love visiting with relatives. I also love getting up early and drinking coffee. My dad didn’t go to work today because he’s sick. He was up all night coughing. He’s still in bed, but when he gets up I’m going to try to convince him to go to a scary movie with me because my mom won’t want to see it. I have a lot of shit to do in the next couple of weeks. Well I guess that is all…
It’s like this weird overcast right now. Still bright but the sun isn’t directly shining and it’s not overbearingly hot. Kinda muggy but oh well. I got film developed at Fred Meyer and I think I look fat in most of the pictures. Not a fan of my body. I Skyped Kan today, it was good. Her dad might get a job in New York, how fucking tight would that be! Because we could hang out in NY-FUCKING-C.
I’m scared I’m one of those people that won’t work hard in order to accomplish a goal. I’m afraid I’ll never publish this because I’ll just give up when it gets difficult.* This makes me feel so fucking uneasy. About myself, about life. I start feeling this way and then I freeze up and I don’t feel like doing anything and I can’t remember all the quotes I write down that make me feel better, or the people or the music or the feelings that are good and that push me along. It’s so weird. I feel hopeless but I know it’ll pass soon. I just feel like it’s going to be so hard to get published, and be a fucking annoyingly long process, and that just makes me want to give up, but I know I can’t. And just feeling that desire scares the shit out of me because I don’t want to be the kind of person that gives up when things get difficult. I guess I don’t really know what kind of person I am. I mean, I do, I just am unsure a lot and change my mind a lot.
[*Triwheel chart follows.]
Ok fuck. BYE.
[I set the transit chart for the time Ana gives at the beginning of this entry. Obviously it’s not the exact moment she mentions publishing her book and her concerns about that, as that comes later in the entry. And honestly, the AC changes to Libra only six minutes after the time Ana gives, so it’s highly likely that when she writes about her publishing concerns Libra is the rising sign. That’s why I didn’t show the transit chart solo even though we’ve got an exact time here.
It’s interesting that the chart of the moment has the AC at 28° Virgo conjunct Ana’s profection lord Venus, both trine/sextile her core axis. This is another point for the profection lord + core axis = diary book project theory. If the AC changes to Libra by the time that Ana mentions her publishing worries, Venus would be ruler of the AC of the moment, tightly trine Ana’s AC lord. Plus Venus rules Ana’s 9th house, where publishing is represented, which is, incidentally, Libra.
The Sun in Virgo applies to trine/sextile Ana’s Sun-Chiron, and sextiles her Pluto by degree. Mercury entered Virgo very late on September 08, and still closely trines Ana’s natal Mercury and Pluto retrograde. The Moon in Pisces has just passed the opposition to the Sun, meaning there was a full Moon at 19° Pisces trine Ana’s Pluto by degree. Moon now applies to oppose the Venus-AC conjunction, as well as sextiles/trines Ana’s core axis. Moon also trines Mars in Cancer, which conjoins Ana’s Chiron-SN and tightly sextiles Venus.
What astrological symbols best describe Ana’s worries and fears about publishing her book? Is it Mars on her Chiron-SN? Or maybe it’s the full Moon axis aspecting her Pluto and within orb of aspecting her Neptune? I feel like Neptune would point to the hopelessness and wanting to give up, and not knowing what kind of person you are, and being scared that you’re somebody you don’t want to be. I’m not entirely sure though. What do you think? Maybe that’s Pluto paranoia stuff?]