Hang with Lisbet: August 16, 2011
August 16, 2011
Yesterday I hung out with Lisbet.* I went to her dad’s house because he was having a barbecue, and I ate like ten of these M&M sugar cookie things. I regret doing this. Later we saw Bridesmaids and it was so funny!
[*Triwheel chart follows.]
I dunno how I feel about Lisbet. I kind of get bad vibes from her. I dunno, it’s so weird! Because she is into cool things, like good movies that aren’t mainstream, and good books and music, but I still get this feeling that she isn’t real, or genuine, or that she is judgmental. It’s the weirdest thing ever and I don’t like it. Because I feel like I can’t talk about real things to her because she’ll judge me. I just feel like she has a set right and wrong in her mind and if I do something wrong she’ll think I’m stupid, and I don’t feel genuine when I’m around her. I don’t like it, and I kind of don’t want to hang out with her anymore. I mean, it wasn’t bad or awkward hanging out with her, it just made me feel anxious and kind of uncomfortable. I dunno. I just feel like there’s something about her that isn’t right. Maybe it’s just because I haven’t seen her in forever and so it’s just weird. Ugh. I don’t like this feeling at all.
I am at the Meridian Library. I checked out a new book that sounds very interesting. It’s called Lights Out in Wonderland. I haven’t felt like reading lately but I think it’s only because I don’t want to read the books that I checked out before. God. I’ve been bored as hell, but I like that both my parents are gone now when I wake up, because then I can transcribe this without them asking me a million questions about what I’m doing. I get to be alone in the morning when I wake up and it’s the best thing ever. Mom had to go back to work yesterday, that’s why she is gone in the morning now.
I just want to keep writing forever because it keeps the boredom at bay, but I run out of things to write. Fuck my life. I miss Zara. If she were here weʼd be having fun. Or at least hate our lives together. It would be a connection. A real connection between two human minds. Thatʼs one of the best things in life. And itʼs not there when I hang out with Lisbet. I donʼt know why!
I hate this desert land where everything is far away from everything else. I wish everything was within walking distance of everything else, because it would be so much easier and cheaper to get to places, and I would have more opportunities. More places to go. My parents should be getting home in about an hour. I don’t want them to come back. I wish I had woken up earlier so that I would have had more time alone at home. Oh well. I’m going to go now because that’s all there is. There’s nothing else today. WAIT I’M GOING TO MAKE A “THINGS I WANT” LIST!!!
Things I want:
a boy to draw me, a messy room, a smaller nose, for Kan to get a new laptop so she can blog to me, to be impulsive, to not be embarrassed to say things I think and feel or to ask for things I want, to be confident, to not be shy, to be like Courtney Love and tell boys I like them if I do, to not be here, to not be HOT ALL THE TIME IN THE GODDAMN SUN, to find someone that gets it, a boy this time because I have a best friend that gets it,
to be the subject of longing, to be the subject of a White Lies song, to be loved by Damon Albarn, like a daughter, to be appreciated by someone of influence, to meet Emma Watson so I can decide for myself if she is really as cool as everyone makes her out to be, to publish this writing right here, for people to see me as genuine, to be the most approachable person ever and for people to know that I’m not judgmental and I want to become friends,
for guys to not only want sex or some shit, for people I don’t know to ask me to coffee, for me to not feel threatened by people, or to feel that people only want to talk to me because they’ll get something out of it, to not feel that people are trying to take advantage of me, to wear awesome fucking outfits, to never come back.
What if the whole world had this connection of understanding? Between every person? A unity. I donʼt know if that would be a good thing or a bad thing or a weird thing. Hmmm……
Maybe I am judgmental…how can you figure this out?
Things I wish I could do here, but I canʼt:
–ride my bike somewhere cool
–walk to a coffee shop
–go outside without sweating and wanting to die
–watch interesting people
–be involved with a guy
–go to parties where the people are real
–have friends
[The Sun-Venus-Mercury retrograde conjunction is very tight now. Sun and Venus conjoin by degree. I feel like this describes Ana’s doubts about Lisbet, a girlfriend from the past, especially as it occurs in her 7th. Like, the Sun-Venus on her DC is a party vibe with a girlfriend, and Mercury retrograde brings in the fact that it’s with a person from her past. Does Mercury retrograde also describe the doubtful energy that Ana experiences about Lisbet? Or would that be described by Mars in Cancer tightly opposing her Moon? Mars trines Ana’s progressed Venus and sextiles transiting Jupiter. Sun-Venus-Mercury is trine/sextile the nodal axis. Moon in Pisces sextiles Ana’s Neptune. What do you think about Sun-Venus-Mercury here with respect to Lisbet? It’s also still within orb of sextiling Ana’s progressed Moon and squaring her Pluto.]