Want to Publish Book: July 16, 2011

July 16, 2011

Haven’t written in a long while. I finished HP 7, and also went to the movie with Karly, her boyfriend, and her little brother. We got excellent seats because we got there at 8 and they were letting people in so we didn’t have to wait in line. It was a good movie, pretty accurate. I liked it a lot. And lately I have just been feeling so jealous of Emma Watson, and I wish I could be friends with her or something, because I feel like that would make me feel important somehow, or meaningful. I’m just so jealous that she got to be a part of something so beautiful and important. I want to be included. And I feel left out and trapped in a place I am not meant to be.

So lately I’ve kind of been feeling hopeless and useless, and I can’t fully comprehend it. I just want to be a real person and go on adventures and have friends and not feel anxious or have to check in with my parents or worry about money. I am excited for London but terrified of coming back to Boise when it’s over. I can’t! I will lose what’s left of my sanity if I have to come back. I don’t care about school anymore, I just want to travel and experience things. And be anywhere but here. But I always wonder if I’ll feel meaningless and unimportant wherever I am. My life is stupid.

Right now I am in Sun Valley with my parents. We are staying in a townhouse that my dad was able to rent for cheap because of work. Today we rode bikes to Ketchum and hung out. It was so pretty out. I felt bad for feeling bad. Something’s missing. I’m not where I’m supposed to be. I’ve kind of started my period and that may be why I feel weird in a bad way. I feel fat and gross and ugly. Yay, I love being ugly. I am drinking wine and I think it’s making it better. But I can’t be sure.

I don’t like when my parents are around. I feel like they trap me and that I have to be a certain way when I’m around them and that’s not who I really am. I know they don’t mean to do this. It’s just how I feel when I’m around them. Blah blah blah. What else do I need to say? I feel like there’s more but I don’t know.

I create daydreams about what London will be like, and who I’ll meet and what we’ll do. I think it’ll be different than anything I’ve ever done. And I’m grateful. There will be no expectations. Like when I first went to SPU I was expected to play well and not be able to do my own thing. But in London there will be no rules. Iʼll be able to be a real person and I wonʼt be expected to excel in anything. I think that will make it so much less stressful, and that is HELLA good. I want to be happy there, at least I think I do. I haven’t been excited about things. Well maybe that’s a lie. IDK. NEVERMIND. FUCK.

Oh! I’ve been thinking about my book again, because I saw that The Perks of Being a Wallflower is being made into a movie! And that reminded me of my book. But guess who is going to be in that movie? EMMA WATSON. GODDDD. I am so jealous, she is so cool, and educated, and sophisticated, and talented, and beautiful, and so goddamn lucky. I feel like my life sucks compared to hers. And it does. But anyway, I want to publish my book, but I still have to finish editing. I dunno if I’ll ever get it published. That would make my life meaningful I think.*

[*Triwheel chart follows.]

[Transit update…Does anything in the chart speak to Ana mentioning her book again? Profection lord Venus doesn’t aspect her core axis, unless you count it as a conjunction to her Chiron with a very large orb. The Sun conjoins her Chiron in Cancer today and opposes her natal Sun, so her core axis is activated, just not necessarily by the profection lord like my running theory.

Venus opposes Ana’s Neptune from Cancer, and she speaks of a certain sense of longing for something she doesn’t have, especially with respect to Emma Watson, a female who she is idealizing. She speaks of feeling hopeless, useless, meaningless, and unimportant. Does Venus opposite natal Neptune describe these feelings?

Mars trines Ana’s AC and progressed Sun from Gemini. It also trines her progressed Moon. Transiting Moon conjoins her AC and progressed Sun and trines progressed Moon and Mars. So there’s a grand air trine between transiting Moon-Ana’s AC-progressed Sun, her progressed Moon, and transiting Mars. I think that’s pretty notable. Would that speak to her mention of the book stuff? As Mars rules her 10th house of career and it’s in the 5th of creative projects, aspecting progressed Moon in 9th of Meaning and progressed Sun in the first on the AC? Is that a legitimate connection or is that confirmation bias?

Mercury in Leo has passed the opposition to Ana’s AC-progressed Sun-transiting Moon and separates from a sextile with Mars and a sextile with her progressed Moon. So it’s activating that whole aspect configuration. It also separates from a square with Ana’s Pluto and applies to trine/sextile the nodal axis.

What about the transits here describes Ana’s feelings in this entry?]