Bad Vibe Poetry: May 21, 2011
May 21, 2011
Veil of rain, sheets of thin tracing paper covering the bridges and buildings, brightening the greens and shading the city lights. I miss you when I’m with you and I hate you and I hate my anxiety. I want your clean coolness to myself, alone and free and secret. The sun exposes everything, my guilt for not being happy, my attempts for extroversion failed, my stupid hatred, my boredom, my refusion [sic] to conform, my longing search for a similar soul. Failure, failure, stupid fucking shithole, Boise. Too anxious to do what I want, too anxious to disobey, to rebel, to take risks, to make decisions, to do anything. To live. I want to sleep forever in an old graveyard under the grass. No computer screens. No talking, no feeling, no wanting, no disappointment, no feeling like you deserve what you get. No feeling bad for no fucking reason. No uncomfortable, no hatred. No nothing. No trying to be nice and look like I enjoy the situations I’m in. [lyrics from “Blazin” by Nicki Minaj ensue]
The depths of the ocean, the magnitude of mystery, the swallowing silent wisdom, the shimmering fat beauty of infinite knowledge, never ending, growing, pulsing, complex, frightening, freezing insanity, out of proportion, stretching the limits of this tiny, frail computer, worry, worrying, right and wrong, shoulds, confusion, what I want, what I need, solitude, loneliness, understanding, lover, vicious, underground society, a part of something, no, never a part of anything, apathy, how some movements are strange when your mind is twisted in poison, we love our poison, freaking out, too many things.
TRAPPED. I need out, let me out, get me out of here, where am I? Am I making this up? Am I the product of chemical imbalance? Will you think I’m crazy if I tell you what I really feel? Eating, sleeping, eating, sleeping, same cycle, break it, crush it, obliteration, hurt yourself if you think you want to. Walking, moving, feeling, rushing, there’s too much, I love how we keep all this energy wasted inside, I think my energy wastes itself, afraid to go anywhere because I’ll run out of fuel. Pretending I’m happy, I’m faking it for others’ sake, don’t want to hurt their fragile fucking feelings, you know? Don’t want my mom to think I’m not her perfect angel, that I’m actually fucked up for no reason. Probably making it all up, I want to be bad but I’m too anxious, too nervous.
Now I’m drained, now I can’t feel anything. Coffee’s not even making me like myself like it usually does. Except I strangely like myself, in a fucked up way, like when you want to squeeze something to death because you love it too much.*
[*Triwheel chart follows because this entry is interesting.]
[I obviously don’t know what time Ana wrote this. This entry and the previous day’s entry are notable to me. I think it’s a good example of how poetry helps one offgas bad energy. What’s notable in the transits is that the Venus-Mars-Mercury conjunction in Taurus is now closely trine Ana’s Moon, and very tightly trine Pluto, still within orb of a conjunction to Ana’s Moon. Venus-Mercury-Mars also sextiles Chiron in Pisces and Ana’s progressed Venus, which Chiron applies to conjoin. Do these aspects speak to poetry about difficult mental health issues?
Saturn is now pretty tightly square Ana’s Moon-Uranus as well as transiting Pluto. It’s also within orb of sextiling her MC. Today the Moon conjoins Ana’s Sun-Saturn-NN, thus trining her Mars. The Sun has just moved into Gemini, so it’s inconjunct Ana’s Mercury. It also trines her POF, squares Neptune by degree, sextiles Uranus, and conjoins her progressed Mars. Jupiter squares her natal Saturn by degree from the end of Aries.]