I Hate My Book: July 10, 2010

July 10, 2010

This isn’t important unless I’m famous, or I die suddenly and tragically, or if I have a huge impact on someone. It’s all perspective! If someone who thought I was brilliant in some way discovered this diary, maybe they’d think it was real and artistic. If someone that didn’t give a shit about me found it they’d probably discard it the same way I disregard people in conversations because I’m standoffish. What else do I need to say?

I’ve been writing my book and I think it’s shit.* I hate it. Everything I’ve said is stupid and irritating and immature. Normally this iconoclastic behavior of mine would be interesting, but only if it’s someone else’s. Only if it’s someone I find intriguing. No one gives a shit because I’m not famous. And I don’t know anything about life and I don’t want to deal with people criticizing me for things I hate about myself. God, it’s just circles and circles. I want to be influential. I love that I hate myself, and the other way around. I can never say what’s in my mind, no one can understand!

[*Triwheel chart follows. Also, there’s a new Moon solar eclipse the day after this entry, so charts and notes about that follow as well.]

I want to listen to more of M83. Oh! Last night Lacy, Sawyer, and I went to Bruneau Sand Dunes to stargaze for Lacy’s astronomy class, and it was so pure. Billions of stars, the Milky Way, so startlingly visible. Rapture. We climbed a small dune. I covered myself in sand, and I was every single star. I was every galaxy in that sublime night sky. It’s so fucking mind-blowing how everything is so much bigger than my puny existence. How can I care about anything when it clearly is irrelevant? How can I worry about running every day when there could be people like me on other planets, alone and becoming hypnotized by the blackness of the cosmos, feeling the same helplessness and confusion apparent in my own tiny mind? This is the most significant thing in the universe.

We drank alcohol. I dunno if there’s anything else worth mentioning right now.

It’ll be in the fiction section, but secretly be true. Contradiction. ← Why should I write anything but that which is real?

[Ana hates her book as the Moon enters Cancer and opposes her natal Mercury and transiting Pluto, and squares the opposition between her progressed Moon and the Jupiter-Uranus conjunction. This activates the intense cardinal cross energy that the previous eclipse was a part of. At this point Mercury has entered Leo and opposes Ana’s POF and sextiles her progressed Moon and her progressed Mars. It’s also inconjunct her natal Mercury and transiting Pluto, and trine Jupiter-Uranus. Venus has entered Virgo and trines her natal Mercury and transiting Pluto, as well as sextiles the Moon and squares her progressed Mars.

I think it’s interesting that she has some big philosophical, existential questions about life and the universe and the meaning of it all with all these transits hitting her natal Mercury with Pluto still within orb of conjoining it. Is the connection there just confirmation bias?]

[Here is the chart of the new Moon solar eclipse at 19° Cancer. AC is 14° Libra squaring the eclipse and nodal axis. MC conjoins the new Moon. AC ruler Venus is in Virgo trining Pluto and opposing both Chiron and Neptune. Mars sextiles the eclipse by degree.]

[And finally here is a triwheel chart with Ana’s natal and progressed charts and the eclipse chart. It’s notable that the eclipse is within orb of conjoining her Chiron and opposing her Sun. It’s also within orb of opposing her Neptune. The AC of the moment trines her Venus-AC conjunction, and the MC opposes her Neptune. How does this energy manifest in Ana’s life?]