I Am Drunk: January 07, 2011

January 07, 2011

I AM DRUNK.* I secretly want my Learning and Cognition teacher. I wish someone would love me, fully and unconditionally. I am at the Green House [the junior guys’ house]. I need to write. I probs won’t remember this. No, I will.

[*Triwheel chart follows.]

I have real talks with Eugenia, and I feel AWFUL because I’m gonna quit. And I feel like I should tell them, but I keep it inside. I dunno what soccer means anymore. Chadwick’s ruined it for me, but there’s this residual feeling that somehow I’m wrong and that I should figure myself out and be better than I am. Rise above myself. IT’S NOT FAIR how can I do this? I don’t know what’s going on.

Somebody’s like me. There’s someone that knows and I’ll never find them. Do I want to fail because it’s easy? Do I secretly enjoy feeling awful because people end up pitying me? And then I feel important? Flow, emotions, flow. It’s not fair, I’m doing everything wrong. How will I know if I’m doing it wrong? I want to tell them and I can’t tell them. Why can’t I have the drunken mindset always? Why can’t I always be confident? Why can’t I know who I am and what I’m doing? Why can’t I care? Why do I hate myself? I hate when people love me because I can’t love myself. And I love when they love me because I feel important. I want to love myself and I can’t. Eugenia says it’s about other people, it’s not about me. And when you have this mindset it makes it better. It works. I think of balance. I dunno if Eugenia thinks of balance, but I do. And it makes sense.

Why can’t I do the right thing? Why can’t I feel the right thing? I’m quitting. I’m giving up. And I feel awful. I feel terrible.

[It’s been pretty bad for Ana since she got back to Seattle. What transits describe such a terrible head space?? Mars conjoins her Sun today by late night. Venus has entered Sag and applies to oppose her progressed Mars. Venus also sextiles her POF. Transiting Moon conjoined the Chiron-Neptune conjunction in Aquarius earlier this day, and now has entered Pisces and sextiles Pluto-NN-Ana’s Mercury and squares Venus. Mercury is back to sextiling Neptune-Chiron and squaring Jupiter-Uranus. Not too much is different from the previous chart shown. Is it just the residual energy of an eclipse on Ana’s Neptune? Or just Mars on her Sun in the 12th? What do you think?]