2010 - Volume 3

I want to study abroad: October 06, 2010

October 06, 2010

I’ve been realizing more and more that I don’t want to go here next year. And that maybe I should start being a real person and doing something with my life instead of being scared to make changes. I decided I want to go to U of I and do a study abroad thing in like England or something.* I dunno. I just don’t like the people at SPU. There aren’t very many of them, first of all, and second, they’re all squares. Christian squares. And I think this whole time at SPU I’ve just been trying to push through it and enjoy soccer when I really don’t and try to get along with boring Jesus-ness. I never really realized that I am a real fucking person! I can do whatever I want to do! I don’t have to please everyone, I can make my own decisions and go wherever I want! It’s amazing how I never thought of this before. Like really, it’s fucking ridiculous. Am I a complete idiot?

[*Triwheel chart follows.]

I was always thinking I can start doing my own thing, having my own life, when soccer is over and I’m out of college. But then I realized that college is where you make connections, meet people, do whatever you want, when you want. And I can’t do this when no one is interested in the same things as me and when I am always on a strict schedule, which also determines what I eat and how much alcohol I’m allowed to drink (haha), and it just sucks. And it would be okay if I actually liked soccer, you know? But I don’t. I’ve just hated it this whole time and it’s awful. I want it to change. Because I cannot see myself going through this shit for two more years after this. That would suck. I think I’ll feel so free after I do this, and I think it’ll be really weird.

Also, I feel bad for leaving my teammates. Like I think they are the only reason I want to stay, because I feel bad disappointing them or not caring enough to help them out. But it’s not about them, it’s about me. It’s my life. And I think the MAIN thing that I don’t want to leave is the city. My beloved. My dirty, loyal, cold-hearted lover. Safe and terrifying in the same moment. I’ll miss her so fucking badly. They’ll have to tear me away, and it will be painful. Unbearable. I’m not sure if I’ll recover. BUT. “If you love something, let it go.” And I wrote in my quote book: “one of these days I’m going to leave and never come back.” Because I had written that in here awhile ago, and I just now became aware of its extreme relevance in this moment.

Lately I’ve really been longing to go somewhere quiet to read/write, but I haven’t been able to. BLEH.

[This is Ana’s first mention of studying abroad. The fact I’m making note of this is a little bit of foreshadowing for you. Profection lord Mercury is tightly conjunct her progressed Moon in Libra. Saturn is still there, obviously, and by the evening of this day the transiting Moon enters Libra and applies to conjoin all these points.

I think it’s interesting as well that Mars, lord of the 10th, is in the 10th squaring Ana’s progressed Sun, by degree at this point. I wonder if that speaks to Ana deciding to change her life direction to act more in alignment with her true self/will/nature. What do you think? Or would that just be all the aspects to the MC and the nodal axis? Or the Sun in the ninth trining the progressed Sun?]