Want to be a writer?: November 11, 2010
November 11, 2010
Things I like: books, music, movies, Buddhism/Zen, coffee shops, traveling, art, writing, fashion
being fucking insane ← I don’t like that, do I?
Why does the city make me feel hopeless and desperate? I’m in a Starbucks downtown. A young man asked me where Urban Outfitters was, and I told him the correct location. It’s 1:15. We went to the aquarium at 10. Eugenia drove. It was so interesting. My favorite were the seahorses. They are so strange looking, like mythical creatures in a haunting luminescence. They are tiny fluttering wheels with wings.
Why do I feel the need to be completely independent when accomplishing a task? I asked this bookstore if they were hiring and they said not really, and that they are looking for people with 15+ years of experience. And I feel like things are so often complicated like this and it makes me feel lost. Iʼm gonna write a fuckinʼ book, thatʼs what I wanna do. And I always forget this, but itʼs something I would really like to do, and it seems like there is a possibility that I could earn money this way. Could I possibly want to be a writer?* Could I have been ignoring this about myself for some reason? Iʼve never really made up stories or anything before…I know I donʼt want to be one of those business people in suits all the time. That sounds kind of shitty. I dunno. Iʼd like to be an eccentric artist. Fuck labels, though. I’M LEAVING, BITCHES
[*Triwheel chart follows.]
SELF-MEDICATED [written upside-down on the bottom of the same sheet of paper]
[The following was written on the back of the same sheet of paper as the previous entry. I’m assuming it was written the same day, but I’m not 100% sure.]
CIRCLES → man overhears conversations
He thought about the illusory enlightenment of an acid trip, the revolutionary awareness of unity. How it could be real if you weren’t trapped in your own opinions and preferences. He thought of his creator. He thought of pen gliding on crisp notebook paper. He thought of the eccentricities of the brilliant and insane. He thought about how entropy in the universe is always increasing, and he started to sink back into the gray world. The misty, cold, menacing environment his mind had fabricated as a container for his unease and depression when there was no outlet to express it. There never was an outlet. He was a silent creature, emotionless to outsiders, and had internalized his problems since childhood.
“the quest for freedom from ourselves, from our fucking burdensome brain chemistry”
You can’t do what you want because you’re trapped by inhibition, by social rules, by your brain’s neuronal connections giving you phobias and fear.
[Ana has been mentioning her book a lot more lately. Because of this I’m unsure how to continue testing my theory about how when her profection lord aspects the core axis of her chart, she mentions writing a book. Because now she is mentioning it way more frequently than in the previous volumes of On Being. This entry though is more than just an offhand comment about editing the book, but rather a definitive statement about wanting to be a writer. Do any of the astrological symbols describe this? I set the time for 13:15 because Ana says in the entry that that’s what time it is, shortly before talking about wanting to be a writer.
I think it’s interesting that Mercury is profection lord and it’s applying to conjoin her MC. It also opposes her progressed Mars. The chart of the moment has the AC and MC very closely conjunct Ana’s own AC and MC, which is notable. Mars is still conjunct her MC (thus also the MC of the moment). AC of the moment conjoins Ana’s progressed Sun. Saturn is definitively within orb of trining her progressed Sun. Transiting Sun conjoins Ana’s Pluto by degree. Venus has retrograded back into Libra and squares Ana’s core axis and the Moon, which conjoins her Saturn-NN conjunction. It also trines Neptune and Chiron in Aquarius.
I wonder if the writing stuff also has to do with the NN conjoining Pluto (almost exactly to the arc minute) close to Ana’s natal Mercury when Mercury is profection lord? What do you think?]