Sawyer’s Email: March 05, 2011
March 05, 2011
Yesterday after class and practice I went to the Brick with Kan and Zara and we drank. And Kan and I smoked by ourselves upstairs. And it was fun, but the whole time I was thinking about how jealous I am of Kendra because she is like best friends with Cameron. And every time I look at Cameron I just start hating myself. And ugh, it’s the worst. It’s so unhealthy. I hate that I do this to myself. I don’t even know why I like her so much. Like I’m not even into the stuff she and Kendra like. Like the music they like. It’s fun to hear at parties, but it’s not real. And I’m not all into sports and the things they wear and the TV shows they watch. I think I like her just because she’s good at everything and I just want to be her. And I know I can’t so I just will love her. And I can’t do that either. So it’s just a stupid, fucked up situation.
And Zara’s been kind of clingy lately. Not really, just…I dunno. Like last night she kept like trying to make me do stuff and I was like, “No, I just want to sit here,” and she wouldnʼt leave me alone. She kept grabbing me or leaning on me, and I just wanted to not be touched. She violated my bubble. And it was just weird because sheʼs never done that before. And I feel like today she just pried a little too much, like asking what Iʼm thinking, and I donʼt know. I think something is on her mind that she wants to tell me, but she hasnʼt told me. She just is acting differently, itʼs making me uncomfortable. I just feel this weird tension. God, do I over-analyze or what?
Today I watched Shutter Island and wrote my Abnormal Psych reflection paper on it. And edited my short story a bit. It’s getting way better than it was before, so that’s good. I’m going to read The Lemon Tree in awhile.
Sawyer emailed me today and I am eternally jealous of them.* He said they went hiking through the jungle and saw monkeys and elephants and have been having an awesome time. And theyʼre going to teach English and get jobs. And I am going to visit. It has to happen or Iʼll die. Seriously, I have to. Because I canʼt do this anymore. I canʼt live in Boise. I canʼt stay in Seattle because Iʼm quitting SPU. I donʼt think I could stay in Seattle anyways, Iʼve been here for almost two years and itʼs getting old. I NEVER would have thought I would say that. Because I lived in Boise my whole life. But I think that because I lived in Boise for so long I canʼt stay anywhere for too long. Because I need change to stay alive. I dunno, itʼs weird. I just want to explore. I want to find something. I donʼt know what it is, but I know that when I find it I will know itʼs important and real and what I need. Thatʼs it! I NEED something and I dunno what it is.
[*Triwheel chart follows.]
[This is just to satisfy my curiosity. Does anything in the transits describe Sawyer’s adventures and Ana’s jealousy of him? There was a new Moon at 13° Pisces sextile Ana’s Neptune the day before. Now the Moon has passed the conjunction to Mercury and applies to conjoin Uranus. Mercury sextiles/trines Ana’s Sun-Chiron opposition. Mars in Pisces sextiles her Moon and squares her MC by degree. Transiting Saturn retrograde and Ana’s progressed Moon are coming back into a conjunction in Libra. Also the nodes have finally entered the Gemini/Sag axis, and the NN conjoins Ana’s progressed MC by degree. The nodal axis squares her progressed AC in Pisces as well, which means it also squares Moon-Uranus. What does it mean for the nodal axis to aspect the progressed AC and MC points?
Something I think is interesting is Ana’s comments about how she lived in Boise her whole life, and now because of this she can’t live anywhere for too long or she’ll get bored of it. Do you think that this speaks to her IC in Gemini, ruled by Mercury in Capricorn? IC as having to do with home and roots and being related to the 4th. I guess it’s too early for you to see, but Ana ends up moving around a lot. But it took her fucking forever to do so, being stuck in Boise for so long. At least it felt like a long time to her. So moving around a lot would be IC in Gemini, but it took her a long time to end up doing so, which is the IC being ruled by a slow-moving Mercury in Capricorn. I think? I guess I’ll have to publish several more of her diaries for you to see what I mean.]